The Decision
by Confused-Ninja-Elf
Summary: Its becomes to hard for Quinn to see her every day and not be able to show her how she feels, so now it is time for her to make a decision, one that will affect all those that she loves.FABERRY/BRITTANA ROMANCE QUINNTANA/FAPEZCHANG FRIENDS Don't own Glee
1. The Decesion

**My first time actually uploading a fanfic, hope you guys enjoy it.**

**Warning: Contains self harm and mentions of abuse.**

**I don't own glee or any of its characters, I just like to control them, lol. Any other characters are my own. **

"Were Kind of friends aren't we?"

"Kind of"

The conversation echoed through Quinn's head every day.

Quinn had told her _Kind of, _because as she sat in her room a week later she was still wishing that they were more. Around the beginning of her road to crazy town, Quinn had realized that the feelings she had for Rachel, that had caused her to sleep with Puck in the first place, were now even stronger than ever and she had to find a way to get rid of them. So she had decided that if she could get Puck back and reunite her family then she could be normal, just like she was supposed to be. But of course that all back fired and she was secretly happy that Puck would not sleep with her, but it still hurt how little he cared for her now, and how he had told her he didn't care about her anymore.

That was a month ago since she decided to try being friends with Rachel instead of enemies, in the hope that at least this way, she had something with her, because she knew that they could never be together.

How Quinn hated herself, she had tried so hard to fix this disease she carried, but to no avail. Every night she would pray to God to fix her, but no matter how hard she prayed these feelings would not go away. She thought her depression could not get any worse, but having to pretend like she was okay and that her crazy had just disappeared, was just hurting her more. But not as much as seeing Rachel every day. They started to hang out, and when it was just the two of them everything was amazing Rachel was adorable and she loved making the brunette laugh instead of cry. But then there were the times when they were not alone.

Finn, how she wanted to hate him, he was so dumb sometimes, but he did love Rachel and she couldn't hate someone who loved her. But whenever she had to see them together it hurt her so much, especially since she knew how much better she would treat Rachel. She would do anything for her. And Finn could not even remember that Rachel was a Vegan, she felt bad thinking these things, because in spite all of the things he does, Finn has been really nice to her since she started hanging out with Rachel. They were so much better as friends, to bad she wanted to castrate him every time he did something stupid, like buy his girlfriend a pig for Christmas, a pig! Their affection only got more intense during the holidays and now with Valentine 's Day coming up in a few months Quinn felt even more heart broken.

Now it had become too much, Finn had found a way to get himself to new York to be with Rachel, and even though Quinn had gotten a internship at a publishing house down there and Rachel and her were supposed to be roommates, she was not sure if she could handle having to be in the next room when he was over.

" Ew, I think I might throw up if they don't stop doing that, its looks like he's trying consume her face."

Quinn turned to were Santana was looking in the hallway at Finn and Rachel, and then quickly looked away not being able to watch.

"Come on lets go." Quinn grabbed her oldest and best friend by the arm and maneuvered them down the hallway. As they headed to Santana's car Quinn was disturbingly quiet and the look on her face was starting to scare Santana.

"Q, are you okay?"

"Yeah im fine San". But the truth was that Quinn was not okay, in that moment she had finally made a decision, it hurt too much seeing the people around her so happy and loved while she had no one and she never would. She glanced over at Santana, now sitting in the driver's seat, looking at her concerned.

"Really, just getting a head ach I think" when Santana finally started the car and started driving she took the time to study her friend for a moment. They had gone through some rough times, but in the end Santana was always there for her and Quinn always had her back. She was starting to feel bad for what she was about to do to her and to Brittany, and hoped that they would be okay. She knew that they would have each other to help get them through, and that Rachel, would have Finn. She had been so lost in her thoughts that she did not realize that Santana had pulled up in front of her house and was looking at her expectantly.

"Are you positive your okay Q?" Her best friend suddenly breaking the silence had startled her. Leaning over the consol she grabbed the Latina in a fierce hug and muttered, "I will be".

"What does that mean? Santana asked, into the unexpected hug, returning it firmly, she could not shake that fact that something was not right.

"It means stop worrying about me S, I'm fine and I'll see you tonight for movie night. Seven as usual, my mom is going out at six." Reluctantly Santana let her go and leave the car, but there was something nagging at her mind telling her to go back as she drove away.

Once inside her house Quinn went to the living room and cuddled up in the couch close to her mother. Their relationship had strengthened over the year since Judy had kicked Russell out. Now she was dating, none other than Rob pierce, Brittany's father. It was weird at first, but they made each other happy, and Brittany loved having a mother figure after Ms. Peirce had passed away from cancer ten years ago. She was happy for them and they all almost seemed like a little happy family, but she was ruining it, she could tell that her mother was hesitant to take the next step with Rob, for fear that it would make Quinn feel replaced. She did not want to burden her mother any longer. After watching TV together before Judy had to leave Quinn stopped her mother at the door and held her tight, trying to keep the tears in her eyes from showing.

"I love you mom, and I want you to be happy, no matter what, okay?"

"I love you to, Quinne." Her mother replied shocked at the amount of emotion her normally closed off daughter was showing. "No matter what."

After that Judy left the house for her date, not quite able to shake the feeling that something was wrong.

Once she was sure her mother was gone, Quinn walked into the kitchen and pulled out the blender. She opened up the medicine cabinet, and took down every single bottle that was within. Removing each cap she dumped all of the pills into the blender and then went over to the fridge to grab the keys off the top. Walking into her father's old study she avoided looking at anything other than the liquor cabinet in the corner. As she unlocked it she noticed that her hands had started to shake. Finally getting the key in the hole she opened it and removed a full bottle of tequila. Back in the kitchen she filled the rest of the blender with the alcohol and some ice before blending it into a smoothie like substance. She grabbed hold of the pitcher and went up stairs to her closet and pulled out a voice recorder. Walking to her room she grabbed plastic sheeting from the bathroom and laid it on the floor by her bed, and then walked to her night stand and pulled out a small container placing it on top of the plastic. She grimaced as she took a large pull from the bottle in her hand, to give her some courage before hitting record.

"_HI, if you're hearing this it means that I have been successful in …. It means iv been successful. There are a few people I want to hear this tape, they include, Santana, my mom, Rob, Puck, Shelby, Finn, Mike and R-rachel. Please pause this tape and find a place where you can all be present…"_

"_I did this because I hate myself and you are all better off without me."_

"_I-I-Im going to start with Santana," _She took a deep breath before having the first sip of her death concoction, It tasted fowl. "_Ug, okay, so listen San, you are my best friend and I love you, You have always had my back and I know you felt like it was your job to protect me and Britt, so right now you're probably blaming yourself for this. But don't, there was nothing that you could have done. But I want you to do something for me now. I want you to be happy; I want you to Marry Brittany and get the hell out of Lima, for me. Have babies, and live your life, because you have everything you ever wanted, an accepting family and the girl you love loves you back. You have everything that I have ever wanted. But before you leave I also want you to watch over Rachel, She needs someone to make sure know one bothers her at school now that won't be there to protect her anymore. I love you San and I want you to tell Brittany that I love her as well, I don't want her to hear this tape because I know it will make her sad, and I don't need you finding some way to bring me back to life just so you can kick my ass for making your girl sad". _Quinn smiled at the thought, but that smile soon turned into a grimace as she drank more from her pitcher.

"_Mom, I want you to know that you can be happy now because I won't be here to hold you back and disappoint you and longer. You can be with Rob and do with Brittany the things that you were never able to accomplish with me. And Rob, you better treat her well, or I will come back and haunt you!_" Quinn started to giggle as the tequila started to take affect and the pills were making her feel a little fuzzy.

"_Finn, listen, I am sorry for everything I did, and the lies I told, and I forgive you for everything that happened last year with Sam. Oh by the way tell Sam Im sorry for me and that I love him and never wanted to hurt him, _"Quinn gives out a small chuckle" _it seems to be what im good at, hurting people. The funny thing Finn I think that under different circumstances we could have been really good friends, If I was more patient and you ... I just want to ask you one thing, please be good to her, take care of Rachel and treat her the way she deserves. I know sometimes you don't realize that the things you do hurt and are sort of conceited but please try for her, Im so sorry. "_

"_Puck, Shelby, Im sorry for everything, I understand why you don't care about be anymore Puck, I really do, the reasons I ever pursued you were wrong and unfair to you. Shelby, could you please let Beth know that I loved her so much, and none of this is her fault", _Now Quinn was sobbing uncontrollably as she continued to drink, her stomach starting to feel funny and her head had started up a dull throbbing. "_I only want what was best for her"._

"_Mike, im so sorry that I pushed you away, I hope one day you can forgive me for all of the horrible things I said to you. I am so glad your with Tina I don't think I have ever seen you happier. I hope you follow your dreams Mikey, you and Brittany are going to amaze the world with your dancing. _

"_R-Rachel baby, stop crying! I know that you are, but don't. You're too beautiful to cry. I know that like Santana you are probably also feeling guilty, but stop it. You don't need to look after me anymore because you feel bad for me. The true reason why I have done this is- is- that, I-I-Im –G-gay. I tried to change it and be normal, when I slept with Puck last year I thought I would be fixed, but all that got me was pregnant. But with that my feelings had been easier to ignore, so this year when they came back full force I thought that to get rid of them for good I needed Beth back, I was selfish and I hurt a lot of people, but I did not know what else to do. I prayed every night for God to come and take this Sin away, but nothing would work. And now I am going to tell you why I tormented you for all these years, maybe you can finally have some piece of mind with the truth. I – _"Quinn took a deep breath" _I –Im in love with you Rachel, I have been ever since you walked into school freshmen year in your cute argyle clothing, with your adorable rants and amazing singing. I was terrified "_Quinn let out a spiteful chuckle_" You were making me feel things that I had been taught was so very wrong. So I distanced myself from you, I tore you down and de-feminized you, with horrible names, I wanted to blame you. And it was my way of coping, but seeing the looks on your face, all the hurt I was causing you became too much, and I could not do it anymore. So I decided that maybe if we could at least be friends, but being near you but not being able to hold you hurt even more. Im getting really tired now Rach, so I need to finish this before I pass out, I just want you to always remember how much I love you, and just know that even if I have to claw my way out of hell, I will be their watching over you, so proud when you make your first Broadway debut. Goodbye my Star, Im going to leave this earth with your voice being the last thing I hear, it's my favorite sound."_

Quinn clicked off the recorder and placed it on her bed, pulling out her phone she sent a quick text to Santana,

To: San

Don't let Brittany or Rachel in my room, Im sorry you have to see this."

From: Quinn

Going to her desk her hits the play button.

She walked over to the plastic sheeting and sat down carefully in the middle of it, quickly finishing off her death concoction she grabbed the small case and opened it, revealing some sharp razors, if she was going to do this, she wanted to make sure she did it right, wanting to at least go to hell on her own terms. Making sure not to spill on the carpet because she did not want to have to burden her mother with it as a reminder, she sliced the blade from her elbow down and watched as the blood started flowing. Before she could do the same to her other arm a blinding pain ripped through her abdomen and she dropped the blade, in order to fight against her body that was trying to expel the poison from her system. Swallowing hard, her pounding head started to dull and everything became fuzzy. Her body slumped down onto the floor and just as her world was starting to go black, she hard a scream of complete fear and agony echo through her slipping conscious.

**Hope you like the adjustments. : )**

**Secretly:**

**The Confused Ninja Elf.**


	2. Somethings Wrong

**I don't have anyone to look over these, so im sorry for all the mistakes. : (**

_**Italics means the characters thoughts. **_

_**Sorry for the shortness, but I thought the one long chapter I wrote was better when split in half.**_

"Are you positive your okay Q"

"I will be"

Those words were echoing through Santana's head."

Something's wrong, Santana could feel it, Quinn was acting really weird, more than she usually was.

What had that meant? She was trying to convince herself not to be so paranoid and that Quinn was probably fine, maybe it was just her crazy stirring again. Santana didn't believe all the bullshit about Quinn being okay now, sure she wasn't going on anymore crazy baby stealing missions, but no one is just magically okay after all that happens to them. Maybe she _was_ just being paranoid, before Santana could finish that thought though her phone started to buzz.

To: San

Don't let Brittany or Rachel in my room, Im sorry you have to see this."

From: Quinn

"What the fuck?" Santana started to get a sick feeling in her stomach, what does _that_ mean? She wouldn't do something stupid would she? Santana is in her car and driving before she can even realize she's left the house, all she could think was "what if im to late?" Pressing her foot down on the gas, she doesn't even realize she is speeding, a lot. The sound of a siren breaks her from her retrieve and she can see the cop car making chase in the rearview mirror. "Good" if she's right then maybe he can help. Hitting the brakes the car drifts up onto the Fabray's lawn, stopping just before it can hit the front wall.

"_That just gave me all kinds of whiplash"_ Santana is out of the car and running towards the house without even putting the car in park and leaving the door open. Bursting into Quinn's house and running up the stairs she can hear the police car screech to a stop outside, the house is dead silent except for the sound of music coming down the hall way, screaming out Quinn's name Santana realizes she has tears of terror running down her face. When she finally gets to her door she stops and slowly pushes's it open, all the urgency she had felt being put at the back of her mind, she did not want to see what was on the other side of this door. The cop is coming up the stairs now, but she doesn't even look at him. Someone is screaming, and it takes a second for Santana to realize that it's her own voice. Stumbling forward she kneels down next to her best friends body, surrounded in a pool of blood.

Grabbing her shoulders she starts to shake her gently asking her to open her eyes and just wake up.

_Why won't she wake up? What did she do? Why?_

"Quinn, Quinn, Quinn" All Santana can do is mumble her name over and over again as she clutches Quinn's lifeless form in her in arms, her head rolled back and arms draping onto the floor. "Quinn, Quinn, Quinn. Quinn".

There are towels being thrown on the ground beside them and the cop has to pry Quinn away from Santana who growls and was about to punch the guy until she realizes that its officer Berry and he is just trying to help. Leroy wraps one of the towels around Quinn's arm and then places Santana's hands on top of it and telling her to keep pressure. He calls an ambulance and then his husband who is at home and tells him to bring his medical kit. Santana had never been more grateful to the fact that the Berry's lived in the same neighborhood as them. The beating in Santana's head finally stops when the paramedics and Dr Berry start loading Quinn up onto a stretcher, looking around the room she finally finds the source of the noise she had heard earlier, Quinn's laptop is sitting on her desk playing a set list of Rachel's MySpace videos, the Divas bright smile as she belted out the notes of "Don't Rain on My Parade" gave her shudders by the contrast they bring to the tense feel of the room. Just before she turn around and go downstairs she sees a tape recorder sitting on Quinn's bed, grabbing it she makes her way back down to her car, the tears still streaming down her face.

A hand on her shoulder stops Santana from getting in her car, "Oh I don't think so" Officer Berry is trying to be stern, but I can see him breaking inside. "You're not driving any time soon." Before she can protest he interrupts her. "If your fast you can still go in the ambulance with her, but Santana, it's bad, so just be prepared."

Hopping into the back of the ambulance, the paramedics and Dr Berry are working on Quinn in frenzy, just before the doors close Santana notices Officer Berry put a big bag inside.

"What's in their?"

"It's the bottles of all the pill's she took, there was also a bottle of tequila, she drank the whole thing". After giving Santana that knowledge he departs with the slam of the door and bangs it two times to signal to the driver to leave.

Quinn crashes twice during the ambulance ride on their way to the hospital.

**Okay guys, I am finally done my exams! *does a small victory dance***

**And…**

**I got into collage! *flailing***

**As always, please message/review me for any feedback, if you have any ideas or hints to make my writing better, I love it all!**

**Secretly:**

**The Confused Ninja Elf.**


	3. Silent Santana

**Okay I hate Finn in the show A LOT, but in this story I want to make him a better guy, in this story Quinn and Finn are friends and have put the past behind them.**

The silence in the small room Santana has been placed in breaks as everyone arrives. In the 45 minutes since they arrived at the hospital she has not said a single word. People have been coming in trying to get her to speak but the look on her face as she sits their covered in her best friends blood with the recorder clutched in her hands causes them to back off. Everyone is crying. Finally Santana is sick of hearing their conversations about how they are shocked and confused at what has happened, "_how can they be shocked? We all should have seen this coming". _

"Shut up!" Santana shouts.

The room goes silent.

Santana takes a deep breath before pressing play.

"_HI, if you're hearing this it means that I have been successful in …. It means Iv been successful. There are a few people I want to hear this tape, they include, Santana, my mom, Rob, Puck, Shelby, Finn, Mike and R-rachel. Please pause this tape and find a place where you can all be present…"_

Santana pauses the tape, and gives Mercedes, Sam, Tina and Mr. Schuester death glares until they finally leave the room. Then she turns to Brittany who is cradled in Rachel's arms.

"B"

"NO, she is my best friend too I want to hear this."

"I know baby, but it's what Q wants, please, I don't want you to hear this either." Santana's voice is quiet and raspy, and she lets out a sigh of relief as Brittany finally walks over to her giving her a kiss on the head before stumbling out the door and breaking down in Sam's arms.

"Where is Shelby? We are not starting this until everyone is here". The tone of Santana's voice gives no room for discussion.

"Im here, Rachel I just got your message what's going on? Who's hurt? Who's blood is that? Thank God you're okay." Shelby bursts into the room and makes a beeline towards Rachel. But before she can make it there,

"Sit down!"

Everyone is becoming terrified of Santana and her dead sounding voice.

Shelby hesitates and then takes a seat, a confused and scared look on her face.

"Quinn tried to kill herself, they don't know if she is going to make it." This time the whisper comes from Judy who is sitting numbly in the corner, it's the first thing she has said since she got to the hospital and was told what had happened.

Santana presses play,

"_I did this because I hate myself and you are all better off without me."_

"_I-I-Im going to start with Santana," _"_ Ug, okay, so listen San, you are my best friend and I love you, You have always had my back and I know you felt like it was your job to protect me and Britt, so right now you're probably blaming yourself for this. But don't, there was nothing that you could have done. But I want you to do something for me now. I want you to be happy; I want you to marry Brittany and get the hell out of Lima, for me. Have babies, and live your life, because you have everything you ever wanted, an accepting family and the girl you love loves you back. You have everything that I have ever wanted. But before you leave I also want you to watch over Rachel, She needs someone to make sure no one bothers her at school now that I won't be there to protect her anymore. I love you San and I want you to tell Brittany that I love her as well, I don't want her to hear this tape because I know it will make her sad, and I don't need you finding some way to bring me back to life just so you can kick my ass for making your girl sad". _

There is a crack and everyone can hear Santana's knuckles break as she punches the wall. She finally chokes out brokenly, "You're supposed to be there with me" then the cold exterior is back in place, her walls come back up and without even flinching at the pain in her hands she turns the tape back on.

"_Mom, I want you to know that you can be happy now because I won't be here to hold you back and disappoint you any longer. You can be with Rob and do with Brittany the things that you were never able to accomplish with me. And Rob, you better treat her well, or I will come back and haunt you!_"

Quinn's drunken giggle makes them all want to throw up, Judy is now sobbing uncontrollably into Robs shoulder, "This is all my fault I should have seen this coming, she is not a disappointment, I love her so much."

Everyone can see that Santana is about to get mad again, so Rob tries to comfort her so that they can hear the rest of the tape. He himself is too shocked to do much else than rub her back, all he can think about is Quinn as a child running around in his back yard with Brittany and Santana, and how one day when her father had been extra horrible she had told him she wished he was her real daddy.

"_Finn, listen, I am sorry for everything I did, and the lies I told, and I forgive you for everything that happened last year with Sam. Oh by the way tell Sam Im sorry for me and that I love him and never wanted to hurt him, _her small laugh makes everyone flinch _it seems to be what im good at, hurting people. The funny thing Finn, I think that under different circumstances we could have been really good friends, If I was more patient and you ... I just want to ask you one thing, please be good to her, take care of Rachel and treat her the way she deserves. I know sometimes you don't realize that the things you do hurt and are sort of conceited but please try for her, Im so sorry. "_

Finn is so confused; he has been staring at the wall with silent tears running down his cheeks, Rachel by his side as he numbly holds her hand. He loves Quinn, not in the same way he loved Rachel but as the first person who had ever had his heart and he considered her one of his best friends. He just didn't know what to do, his emotions were building up inside of him, so, he stood up and threw his chair across the room before sitting back down onto the floor and crying even more.

"_Puck, Shelby, Im sorry for everything, I understand why you don't care about be anymore Puck, I really do, the reasons I ever pursued you were wrong and unfair to you. Shelby, could you please let Beth know that I loved her so much, and none of this is her fault _ "_I only want what's best for her"._

Puck felt sick, how could he have said that to her, he loved her, he knew, he had seen that she needed his help but he had just thrown it back in her face, and what did she mean the reasons she had pursued him were wrong, What reasons? He didn't move a muscle as his brain and heart waged a war inside his body.

Shelby felt terrible, she had also seen how hard Quinn was struggling but instead of getting her help she had taken her baby away from her, she wanted to throw up she was so disgusted with herself.

"_Mike, im so sorry that I pushed you away, I hope one day you can forgive me for all of the horrible things I said to you. I am so glad your with Tina, I don't think I have ever seen you happier. I hope you follow your dreams Mikey, you and Brittany are going to amaze the world with your dancing. _

Everyone but Santana was confused by this, and even more so when Santana who had not allowed anybody but Brittany touch her since this whole thing had started walk over to a crying Mike and hugged him like they had been there for each other a thousand times before.

"Im so sorry Mikey, If we had stuck together this never would have happened"

"N-no San, that's the past, she is going to be okay and then we are going to fix this, remember, 90's nerdmance forever." Everyone was shocked by the small chuckle he was able to get out of Santana. Mike nudged Santana and got her to start the tape back up.

"_R-Rachel baby, stop crying! I know that you are, but don't. You're too beautiful to cry. I know that like Santana you are probably also feeling guilty, but stop it. You don't need to look after me anymore because you feel bad for me. The true reason why I have done this is- is- that, I-I-Im –g-gay. I tried to change it and be normal, when I slept with Puck last year I thought I would be fixed, but all that got me was pregnant. But with that my feelings had been easier to ignore, so this year when they came back full force I thought that to get rid of them for good I needed Beth back, I was selfish and I hurt a lot of people, but I did not know what else to do. I prayed every night for God to come and take this Sin away, but nothing would work. And now I am going to tell you why I tormented you for all these years, maybe you can finally have some piece of mind with the truth. I – I –Im in love with you Rachel, I have been ever since you walked into school freshmen year in your cute argyle clothing, with your adorable rants and amazing singing. I was terrified, you were making me feel things that I had been taught was so very wrong. So I distanced myself from you, I tore you down and de-feminized you with horrible names, I wanted to blame you. And it was my way of coping, but seeing the looks on your face, all the hurt I was causing you became too much, and I could not do it anymore. So I decided that maybe if we could at least be friends, but being near you but not being able to hold you hurt even more. Im getting really tired now Rach, so I need to finish this before I pass out, I just want you to always remember how much I love you, and just know that even if I have to claw my way out of hell, I will be their watching over you, so proud when you make your first Broadway debut. Goodbye my Star, Im going to leave this earth with your voice being the last thing I hear, it's my favorite sound."_

If they thought the room had been quiet before, it was nothing to what it was now. They stayed that way for ten minutes until Santana finally spoke

"When I found her, she had your myspace singing videos playing."

Then all hell broke loose, screaming and crying erupted throughout the room,

Mike was holding on to a sobbing Santana who had restarted her mantra of "Quinn, Quinn, Quinn".

Puck was so furious he stormed from the room and Shelby followed him out to find a doctor for Santana's hand and to try and collect herself.

Finn stopped crying and started just yelling to himself, not able to believe what he had heard, devastated he had not been able to do anything, he decided right then things would change.

Judy was in shock, she just stared at the wall ahead of her griping Robs hand before screaming and yanking him from the room behind her.

Rachel was still in absolute shock, she stood their completely still amidst the chaos of the room.

"_She's in love with me?"_

**FA-PEZ-CHANG NERDMANCE FTW!**

**And… I got a beta, yay.**

**Secretly:**

**The Confused Ninja Elf.**


	4. Spinning full circle

"_She's in love with me?"_

Rachel was confused to say the least, nothing made sense, she was half expecting Quinn to walk in to the room and proclaim that this was just a cruel joke that she had planned when she befriended Rachel.

She couldn't think, the noise in the room was disorienting, finally everyone became quiet as Shelby re-entered the room with Rachel's dad trailing behind, he went straight to Santana.

"We need to get you an x-ray".

"No, not until you tell me Quinn is okay so that I can slap her so hard her head spins full circle".

Dr. Berry sighed before turning to address the room "As you guys know Quinn crashed twice during the ambulance ride here, she was in critical condition, we had a really hard time trying to stop the bleeding and after a transfusion she is still low on blood but we don't have enough blood to give her another" Before he could finish speaking he was interrupted.

"Take mine!" Santana pleaded.

"Santana,"

"No! I mean it me and Q have the same type, every girl who joins the cheerios has to undergo serious testing by order of coach Sue, she made us all do blood typing, something about insurance and cloning, I don't know but the point is me, Quinn and Brittany are all the same, now TAKE MINE!"

"Okay Santana, but let me finish explaining her condition first, we had to pump her stomach, she took over 10 different types of pills combined with a full bottle of hard alcohol, the loss of blood made cleaning her system difficult and as a result she crashed three more times once here."

Silence

"She's alive though, right?" Mike asked

The reply was a sigh from Dr. Berry.

"Right!"

"She is in a coma, were not sure when or if she will wake"

This time the screams come from the door where Judy and Brittany were listening, inside the room everyone became a statue.

Then the sound of a thud as Rachel passes out and her body hits the floor.

Flicking open her eyes, Quinn slams them back shut, the pain from the bright light blinding her. She is confused why is it bright out there, she was expecting red or black. Quinn tries to get a feel of what's going on, that's when she realizes that she is lying on a bed. Now she is even more confused, "_Why am I not burning, I thought hell would be a lot worse than this, maybe like something from supernatural with my body suspended in mid air by hooks and chains. Maybe the bed is just a trick and im is about to be tortured, okay maybe I watched too much TV when I was alive." _That's when she hears it, a steady beeping from beside her bed, and then it hits her, she failed. Fighting against the pain and heaviness she opens her eyes and looks around the room, a hospital, she's alive.

"No", it's barely a whisper that leaves her lips as she looks around the room, movement from her side alerts her to someone else's presence and when she turns her head she finds a disheveled Santana stirring beside her.

Santana looks up and she almost passes out, seeing the one thing she has been praying for, her best friend's eyes looking back at her.

"Q?" Santana's voice is careful, as if she is scared that this is not real.

Before she knows it Quinn is being crushed by Santana, in the fiercest and neediest, desperate hug ever Then Quinn is shocked even more by Santana grabbing her face in her hands and planting a kiss, right on her lips. Then she is out the door and screaming for a doctor, Mr. Berry and some nurses come rushing in checking over her and asking questions. Quinn does not answer any of them; all she can do is stare ahead with one thing being repeated in her head.

"_I failed"_

It's been two days since Quinn woke up and two weeks since she tried to take her life. She does not let anyone touch her, that is the only time she does anything, when she is not shrinking away or fighting people off she does nothing. She hasn't looked at anyone since she woke up and saw Santana. Now she just starts through everyone, mute and unseeing. They had to insert a tube, because she won't eat. It's been two days of her being conscious but she might as well be dead.

Only Judy, Rob, Santana and the doctors have been in her room, and now Santana is sick of the silence and the despair on her best friends face accompanied by a look full of nothing. It's time to use her secret weapon, Santana leads Brittany into Quinn's room, she is quiet, Santana just watches as her girlfriend stands at the foot of Quinn's bed holding her stuffed duck in her hands, Brittany looks directly into Quinn's eyes, she wishes she could say Quinn is looking back at her, but the lifeless, skinny and weak body of Quinn Fabray has no more will so those eyes are looking right through her. Brittany walks around the side of the bed, Santana is holding her breath by the door, Quinn has been pushing everyone away without even taking the time to find out who they are, and Santana knows that if she pushed Britt away it will crush her girlfriend, that's why she had been keeping her and everyone else away. Brittany reaches down her hand and brushes the hair away from Quinn's eyes, Quinn tenses as if ready to throw a fist, but then recognizing the touch she hesitates and then relaxes. From the door way Santana manages a small smirk "_No one can resist my girl, she's magic"._

Brittany slowly puts her weight on the bed, and lay's down beside Quinn, it looks like Quinn is just going to stay still and continue on in the emotionless place she has created. Santana starts to cry in relief when finally after a small hesitation she turns and buries her face into Brittany and finally, FINALLY, starts to cry. Loud healthy sobs and Quinn finally let's go. At the door Santana is happy they have made a breakthrough but also sad, she really wants to be there for her friend.

Just as Santana is about to turn away and give them privacy, Quinn frees her hand and reaches it toward the door in a plea for help and comfort, a strangled sob of relief and grief breaks from Santana's throat as she practically runs across the room and stumbles onto the bed, intertwining her fingers with Quinn's and laying on her other side so that she is sandwiched between them. They all cry as Brittany runs a soothing hand through Quinn's hair with the other arm across Quinn stomach her hand laying on Santana's back, as they try desperately to try and fix and keep together the broken girl in-between them.

From the doorway Judy just about collapses in relief at the sight of Brittany, Quinn and Santana crying in the bed, with a stuffed duck above them sitting on the pillow.

"_Thank God she has them."_

**PS: Vote Faberry in the E! Online Poll!**

**Secretly:**

**The Confused Ninja Elf.**


	5. The 90's Nerdmance

**Sorry for all the mistakes, I am once again without a beta.**

"_Thank God she has them."_

Judy truly meant that, she does not know how they would be able to get through this without such a great support system. Judy knows that Quinn will talk to Santana. But the question is, will Santana talk to her.

"Santana, maybe we should try letting some of the other kids visit?"

"She doesn't let anyone but me and B in the room, what makes you think she will want to see someone else when she does not even want to see her own mother".

The words are harsh, but Santana lost all sympathy for Judy Fabray the day she let her husband kick their pregnant child out of the house, the only reason she has been somewhat civil to her is because Brittany's dad loves her and was somehow convinced she had changed. Santana will believe that when she sees it.

"Well, I-I"

"Fine" Santana cuts her off " But I decide who to call" The statement gave no room for negotiation, Santana got up and went to make the phone call, then returned to Quinn's room.

Standing in the door way, Santana couldn't help but smile, Britt was lying beside Quinn, reading her the book she wrote about Lord Tubbington after they took him to visit the ducks. Around them were tons of stuffed animals and lots of candy. Britt was happily reading and eating some chocolate while Quinn silently watched her, and ate a fruit cup.

Brittany was the one who had finally gotten her to start eating; it had been almost four days since she finally cried, she hadn't spoken yet, but she was to longer the zombie Quinn like before.

Every once in a while between Brittany's adorable antics and Santana's loyal protective behavior they would even get a little bit of emotion across her face that wasn't udder despair, but that was rare. And that was it, all she ever did, eating when Brittany got her to and hugging Britt or San, but she wouldn't watch TV or engage in any other activity unless it was to cry with her two best friends, and push people away.

"Q?" Brittany stopped reading and looked up beaming at her girl friend, and Quinn just looked at her, no emotion on her face

"_At least she's not still looking through us"_

"You have a visitor coming okay?"

Quinn's face turned into something between anger and fear, but it was mostly fear. Moving towards the bed and sitting on the end, Santana grabbed her hand and reassured her.

"Hey, don't worry, I am positive this is someone you are going to want to see, there is no pressure you don't have to talk or anything." Quinn gave a small nod, trusting her best friend's judgment, the air in the room started to become tense.

"Who is ready to get their Mario party on!"

Quinn's head whipped towards the door, and as soon as she saw Mike's face she burst out crying. Mike looked panicked that was clearly not the reaction he had wanted but he guesses he should have expected it.

Walking into the room he placed his bag on the floor by the bed and Brittany moved off the bed to let him sit and started packing up her things.

"Im going to leave you guys alone"

Santana turned to her "You don't need to leave".

"Yes I do, you three need this, Im gunna go try to see Ra," she abruptly cut herself off "Judy! im gunna go see Judy". Brittany tried to quickly fix her slip of the tongue but Quinn had already stiffened on the bed. Brittany mouthed an apology towards Santana before leaving.

"Hey Quinn". Mike started out "I brought all the best stuff; here San help me set it all up".

As the two of them started hooking up cords to the television, Quinn took the time to attempt to collect herself.

"_He's here, he is in the same room with me and he is acting like nothing ever happened, shouldn't he be yelling at me, storming right back out of this room in anger and hurt?"_

"Q?"

Socked from her thoughts Quinn turned to find Mike looking at her intently and Santana standing across the room looking hesitant.

"Listen to me, okay" he took a breath "Everything that happened is water under the bridge, it's all in the past, everything is forgiven and we don't ever need to talk about it again okay, if you really meant that apology then we won't ever bring it up again and you don't feel guilty". He looked across the room.

"That goes to you as well San, I forgave you both years ago". Giving them both a look that said the subject was closed, his face then did a complete change and all seriousness was whipped away.

"Okay, let's do this; it's time for me to reclaim my title as champion".

"In your dreams Mikey boy, no one can surpass the glory of "The Lopez".

Mike started laughing so hard it looked like he was going to choke.

"Oh my God" he wheezed out "I almost forgot that you called yourself "The Lopez" whenever we played"

"Oh shut up and get ready to lose".

Quinn laid their watching her two oldest friends in shock, they were acting like nothing had ever happened and they had only been apart for a day rather than almost four years.

"No! The Lopez never loses at this game! You cheated!"

"No I've just been practicing while you have been too busy swinging pom-poms and partying" Mike laughs out.

"Yeah, well not for long, im going to get my skill back and beat you even if it means not attending another party all year!"

"Welcome back Nerdtana"

"Oh shut up Mike like your one to talk"

Quinn just lay in between them and listened to their banter like it was the world's most beautiful sound, she had missed this so much.

Quinn had not been putting in a lot of effort towards the game, and thankfully the other two were not bugging her about it, she was to consumed with thinking about the name of the person Brittany had almost let slip. Truthfully Santana and Mike were both happy she had even picked up the controller in the first place.

"Oh, Dios mío, no puedo creer esto. OH, hijo de una! ¡NO! esto no ha terminado Mike Chang! Tendré mi venganza!"

Santana started screaming at the screen and Mike quickly grabbed the controller from her, scared that she might throw it, it looked like he wanted to get away from her as well, Santana took her video games very seriously, and they didn't want "Snix" coming out.

It was this that finally did it for Quinn, Santana was continuing to rant in Spanish and threaten Mike, when all the sudden she heard something that caused her to stop and turn in shock.

Quinn was…laughing, hard. Holding onto her sides, it was contagious and the other two were so happy to see it, they started laughing with her, all of them laughing till it hurt. Then all of the sudden Quinn's laughing turned into sobs and then Santana's did as well.

Mike was bewildered

"_I don't get girls sometimes" _

Wrapping both of his best friends in his arms he gave in and let his own tears fall; they had all missed this so much.

**Okay, so I used google translator for the Spanish so if it is not right, not my fault lol.**

**It supposed to say something along the lines of, **Oh, my God, I can't believe this. OH, SON OF A! NO! This is not over Mike Chang! I will have my revenge!

**Yeah…**

**So I know everyone is probably thinking "Where is Rachel"!**

**She is going to have a chapter that is almost completely dedicated to what's going on with her, soon, in the next three chapters there will be one for Judy, Rachel, and Quinn/glee club, I just don't know what order they will exactly be yet. **

**Please review, I love hearing what people think.**

**Secretly:**

**The Confused Ninja Elf.**


	6. The Parentals

**Don't own glee…blablabla. **

"_She does not even want to see her own mother"_

Santana was right and Judy didn't know what to do about it.

"Ms. Fabray?" Judy was taken from her thoughts by the sound of her last name, she hated it and the fact that it tied her to her ex husband; she couldn't wait to change it to Pierce.

"Since when do you call me Ms. Fabray, Hiram?"

Judy was standing in a long hallway staring out of the window.

"I uh, wasn't sure if you still wanted to be associated with me in any other way than as your daughter's doctor, due to the reason she is in this condition". Judy gave a small smile; Rachel definitely got her extensive vocabulary from her dad.

"Just tell me, I have had to deal with a lot of bad news in the last couple of weeks, I know your tone of voice, what is it?."

"Before I begin I want you to know that the reason I didn't tell you sooner was because I was worried as a friend and not a doctor about how much more you could take, and I want you to know that me and Leroy are going to be there for you and Quinn as much as possible. We love her like a daughter, she and Santana and Brittany are like the other children Leroy and I never had."

"Thank you, and that makes sense, they're at your house more than they are at their own homes," Judy gave a small chuckle.

Hiram took a deep breath.

"When Quinn was brought in and checked over we learned that she has been self harming for quite some time now".

"I-I figured as much"

"That's not all we found, she had markings and old breaks that… "He had to stop and take a deep breath and watched Judy's face closely, moving closer to her to catch her if need be "Judy they are consistent with the marks of someone who has been abused".

Judy whipped around from the window and finally faced him "No"

"I'm sorry "

"That can't be I – I"

"As you know Leroy had to go through some of Quinn's things as is mandatory in an attempted suicide case, and because of the injuries I found. He was able to find Quinn's journals, she wrote it all down, Russell used to beat her." Judy started sobbing, and Hiram was barely able to grab her.

"Oh God no, how did I not see it, oh God, I let him hurt my baby, because I was too busy getting drunk, Oh God"

"He only hit her where no one would see, it seems he was very strategic, I won't, I can't go into details with you Judy, but for Quinn's sake you need to know that he did some horrible things and Quinn is going to need to go in for some extensive therapy, she is going to be stubborn about it, but this plus her confession has made this a very extreme and difficult situation."

Hiram led a sobbing Judy to a private room and sat her down,

"I know you just learned a lot of information, but I need to know, how are you taking Quinn's confession?"

"I already knew Hiram."

Hiram was shocked at this piece of information.

"You knew?"

"There are something's a mother just knows, I saw the signs as she was growing up, it looks like Russell must have as well, we did everything we could to repress it, throwing bible verses at her, and being extra strict. We both saw it and tried to do something about it even if we never acknowledged it out loud. Then I kicked Russell out and started mending things with Quinn, even if I hadn't noticed it before I just had to see it one time and I knew."

"See what?"

"The way she looks at your daughter,"

There it was, the subject that had become a taboo for over a month, Rachel.

"Even when she was pretending to hate her I could see. She talked about how annoying she was but she spoke with a passion, and when she was angry about how Rachel would get all the solos you could tell that she admired her" Judy continued

"If you knew then why didn't you talk to her about it?" Hiram asked in disbelief

"I wanted her to tell me herself, I thought she would when she was ready"

"But if you did like you say and subconsciously repressed her all these years, and because of your religion, how could you think that she would go to you, without being afraid of being thrown on the street?" Hiram was starting to become angry with Judy, not being able to believe a parent could do such things to their own child.

"For God sakes Hiram, I'm marrying Rob, I thought that maybe the fact that I'm with someone who has a bisexual daughter would show her that I'm ok with it. Russell is gone now and I have changed my views, I see the way Quinn looks at Rachel, and all I can think is, how can something that makes her so happy be so wrong?"

Judy took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down

"I just thought she would figure it out, I can't believe how wrong I was. I was so blind to the fact that she is still so terrified that she almost died. I don't deserve to call myself her mother, it's been a month and she won't even let me in the room.

Santana just told me that she was able to get her to open up to Michael, that's a boy she has not been friends with for almost four years since her father forced them to stop being friends, but she does not want to see her own mother."

"She just needs time; maybe her letting Mike in will be good, if they were forced to stop being friends because of Russell then this could be a good step to overcoming some of her past".

Judy could not stop crying so Hiram just tried his best to comfort her.

Brittany had been knocking on the Berry's door for almost five minutes before it finally opened. In its threshold stood a red eyed and completely out of character Rachel Berry.

"What?" she growled, before seeing that it was Brittany.

"Oh, sorry I thought you might be Puck again. I'm sorry but I can't hang out right now, bye." Rachel tried to close the door but Brittany stopped it with her foot.

"Rachel you can't keep hiding from us"

"I'm not hiding, I started going back to school two weeks ago, and now I'm sick so you shouldn't come in because I don't want you to catch anything" Once again Rachel attempted to close the door, but Brittany would not have any of it. Pushing Rachel back Brittany closed the door behind her and started to drag a protesting Rachel up the stairs and into her room while talking.

"I know everyone thinks I'm stupid, but I'm not that dumb. You're not sick you're sad, and you are avoiding us, you haven't been to glee club all month."

Brittany could see Rachel trying to come up with another excuse in her head and fail at it. Rachel's shoulders sagged and she fell onto her bed.

"I was completely blind-sided Britt".

"I know _you_ were, that makes sense"

"What do you mean? Did you know? Did she tell you?"

"Yes I knew, but no she didn't tell me, it was so obvious. In freshmen year she picked on you and I was confused at first and though that Quinn was just being mean because she was head cheerleader, but then I watched. People think I'm stupid because I'm quiet a lot of the time, but they don't know that I'm watching and because of that I see things other people don't. I noticed that Quinn was extra mean to you herself but she would get mad when other people were mean to you. And she would always stare at you and stuff. There were so many signs but I don't know if I should be the one to tell you all of this. I think you should come and see Quinn."

"I can't Britt, what would I even say, she tried to kill herself because she was in love with me." Rachel's voice cracked on the word kill and tears started to roll silently down her face.

"I know you're with Finn, but have you ever thought… you know girls"

"What, have I ever thought about being with a girl?"

"Yeah, I know you have only been with boys, but I've been with boys too and now I'm with Santana…"

"I've never told anyone this because I didn't want to give kids another reason to bully me, but I've always gone with the principle that you fall in love with the person not the body, so yes I have found girls attractive before"

"I know Quinn was horrible to you but, you guys have become like best friends so have you ever thought?"

"I…"

**Ding dong, **the sound of the door bell broke into the two girl's conversation.

"If that's Puck I am going punch him." Brittany was shocked by Rachel's comment because she knew how much Rachel was against violence.

_What did Puck do? And when did Rachel start calling him Puck instead of Noah?_

Rachel stormed down the stairs with Brittany right behind her and ripped open the door. On the other side was not Noah Puckerman but instead stood a tall, red eyed Finn Hudson, the only other person in glee club besides Rachel who had gone MIA after Quinn's confession.

"Hey Rach"

Brittany who had been expecting Rachel to jump into to arms of her boyfriend who had been gone for so long was shocked when she slapped him instead, hard.

"Where the hell have you been Finn Hudson!"

**IM SO SORRY ITS TAKEN SOOO LONG!**

**This chapter is not one of my favorites, but I've finally mentioned Rachel, yay!**

**I love feedback and hearing what you guys like or any suggestions. **

**Next chapter. "Where has Finn Hudson been and what's going to happen to Finchel" dun dun dun dun!**

**Secretly: **

**The Confused Ninja Elf**


	7. Changed Man

**TRIGGER WARNING! Like supper triggering VERY descriptive.**

**Don't own glee lalala.**

"_Where the hell have you been Finn Husdson?"_

Ok, that was not exactly what he expected when the door opened but maybe it would make things easier. Putting a hand up to his stinging cheek he took a deep breath.

"Rach, we need to talk."

Rachel led Finn into the living room and they sat down.

"Last year in the library we got back together knowing that it wasn't going to last because you were going to New York. I can't be the person who holds you back from anything Rach. And now that we know I can't consciously flaunt our relationship in front of Quinn."

"Are you breaking up with me?" Rachel asked baffled.

"I don't want to Rach, I swear I love you so much. But we have both changed so much to be with each other and looking back, I'm not sure that it was a good change."

After an uncomfortable silence Rachel finally spoke.

"Your right."

"I still want us to be friends Rach, I love you and I don't want to lose you completely."

"You're acting so differently, where have you been Finn?"

"Well I have actually been seeing a counselor and going in for anger management, I want to be the type of man my father would be proud of."

"You are Finn."

"Rachel, I\m going to go tell Quinn, when she is out of the hospital." Rachel stiffened at the name. "You know I kind of can't believe none of us saw it before."

"Saw what?"

"How much Quinn loves you. If, " Finn took a breath " If there is any chance at all that you could ever return Quinn's feelings, I think she'd be good for you Rach. But you should give her some time to figure out herself and, maybe don't flaunt it in front of me."

"Finn, I"

"Rachel honey were home! I got, oh" Leroy's face immediately became one of anger. "Decided to show your face did you Hudson."

"Daddy don't."

"I should go Rach, I'll see you later."

Rachel sighed.

"Bye Finn"

"Im sorry"

Santana whipped her eyes away from the television where she had been practicing the game so that she would be ready when Mike came back for a rematch. Either she was so desperate for Quinn to get better that she was hearing things or that barely audible groggy voice came from her best friend. Seeing that Quinn was trying again but having difficulty because she had not used her voice in so long Santana grabbed the water off the night stand beside Quinn and made her drink some. Clearing her throat she tried again.

"I'm sorry." her voice still sounded like gravel but it was better.

"Why did you do it Q, we all love you and we could have figured this out"?

"And now it's worse, it was bad enough before everyone knew, I-I can't do it Santana I can't face them, everyone knows. You have to help me please"

The pain and pleading in Quinn's voice almost killed her "What can I do Q? Anything?"

"I need you to help me"

"I know Quinn but how, what are you talking about?"

In a suddenly calm and certain voice Quinn explained to her.

"Santana, I need you to go out that door and close it behind you then I want you to tell my mother that there is a nurse watching me and I want to be alone. Then I want you to go home and I want you to forget about me. I've been watching, the nurse just came in to check my vitals, I have about a half an hour window give or take, and I can buy some more time by pushing those two chairs against the door and the wall. I need your help Santana cause I am not going to screw this up again and it is because of you that I didn't get it right the first time. Santana, I need you to let me die."

Santana stared at her, mouth agape

"Quinn, the doctor they can help th…"

Quinn cuts her off as she starts to get angry.

"How Santana, with what? With these? Quinn reached behind herself and grabbed her pillow reaching inside and pulling out a bunch of pills. "These won't do anything but numb the pain. I have tried to fight this for so long Santana, years of darkness never letting me be happy, you know what, I don't want to fight it any more I am sick of being tired and sad and lonely all the time! I just want it to be over, help me because I have been suffocating and chocking without the satisfaction of finally not breathing! Help me because I can't remember the last time I was happy! Help me because it's better for everyone else! Help me because I don't want to see everyone's pity! Help me because the only time I feel even a second of peace is when I'm mutilating my own body and watching as I bleed! Help me because all I feel are the holes, Beth, Mike, you and Britt, Rachel and my mother! Help me because you will all be okay when I'm gone! Help me because the only time my father used to interact with me was so he could hit me! Help me becau…"

Quinn stops suddenly, during her rant she had ripped of her blanket in order to show Santana her ugly scars but instead found ducks, a collage of different duck band aids covering every injury she had inflicted upon herself.

"Britt wants you to get better, she uses those band-aids for everything, says they help you get better faster, she put them on while you were in your coma. She makes me change mine every day." Santana whispered to her and gestured to the band aid on her arm from where the doctors had drawn blood. "We all need you Q" Santana can't cry any more, throughout Quinn screaming at her she realized she couldn't, that she needed to be strong, for Quinn. Quinn's face changed as she looked at the ducks and her breathing started to quicken, she began to rock back and forth scratching her arms and mumbling to herself.

Quinn's yelling had attracted attention and Santana watched as the doctors held down and sedated her friend, Santana watched as Quinn finally stopped shacking and started breathing normally as she passed out. Santana watched Quinn's thin worn out face and realized that she didn't recognize her best friend any more. Santana realized that she never knew her in the first place and that hits her hard and it hurts. Then Santana watched as they told Judy that instead of taking Quinn home soon like was planed they were sending her to the long term care ward because she was still a danger to herself. Santana watched Judy and saw the face of a mother who just didn't know what to do, then Santana dropped to the floor with her head in her hands and for the first time in a long time, she prayed.

**One month later**

Quinn was finally being released from the hospital, the past month had been draining on her, she had to see a shrink for an hour every day and they had been forcing her to take her medication. She had to admit that it did help a little bit but it would probably be more effective if she wanted to get better, but Quinn wasn't even trying, just pretending so that the doctors would let her go home.

Her mother was on her way to pick her up and Quinn was thinking about a conversation they had had the previous week.

"_He asked me to marry him you know, that night when we went out, I was thinking about how I couldn't wait to tell you when I got the call from the hospital. I – I can tell him no if you need me to Quinn you are and will always be the most important thing to me."_

"_No!" Quinn's outburst had startled Judy._

"_I want you to be with him, I see how happy he makes you."_

"_But does it make you happy Quinn? it would mean living with him and Brittany."_

"_Brittany is practically already my sister, and Rob was there for me growing up like dad never was, I think it's perfect."_

"_You know I accept you right?"_

"_Yeah" _'_If_ only I could accept myself', Quinn thought.

Santana hadn't been back to visit Quinn since she had been terrified by Quinn asking to help her kill herself.

Pulling into her drive way Quinn was met with her new family Brittany pulled her into a big hug and when she finally let go Rob suddenly had her in his arms.

"Don't scare us like that again kiddo"

Quinn just wanted to be alone, walking upstairs to her room she stopped in the doorway. The first thing she realized was that she no longer had a lock on her door and just by glancing around she could tell things were different.

Sure enough as she started looking around there were subtle hints that her stuff had been moved around.

Scared, Quinn started looking in her hiding places.

Gone

Gone Gone Gone

She was getting frantic.

"You won't find any"

Quinn whipped around to find Brittany in the doorway.

"They combed the room ten times and went through everything, there's nothing remotely sharp left in almost the entire house."

Quinn was internally panicking, she needed her razors. In the hospital she had barely gotten by with scratching and using anything else she could find.

Then Quinn remembered she had some in her locker, the relief must have shown on her face cause suddenly Brittany spoke again.

"They went through your locker too, and your car, Im sorry Q but you're out of luck"

Quinn just dropped onto her bed and curled up into a ball and Brittany held her trying to calm her down.

Quinn didn't come down to dinner that night.

At around two in the morning Quinn snuck down stairs,

Knife drawer –empty

Medicine cabinet – empty

Good god even all of the dishes were replaced with plastic.

Quinn had never felt so suffocated before.

Turning to her last desperate resort Quinn quickly turned on the stove, she felt like if she didn't get a release soon she would burst.

So she jammed her hand onto the burner as fast as possible.

Sweet release

Suddenly the kitchen light turned on above her Quinn was struggling and holding her hand down as strong arms wrapped around her and pulled her away.

Quinn went frantic screaming and trying to get back.

As Rob held her down screaming at Brittany to go get Dr. Berry Quinn saw her mother turning off the stove and then look at her uncontrollable daughter and cry.

What felt like an eternity later but in reality was only a few minutes Quinn's struggling was stopped by a needle to the arm and the last thing she saw was the blurry crying and terrified face of Rachel Berry.

When Quinn woke up the next day her hand was throbbing the familiar pain brought a momentary smile to her face before she remembered what had happened and she shot up but quickly fell back down feeling very dizzy.

"Whoa their Quinn I need you to relax the sedative we gave you is gunna make you feel a little fuzzy. Does your hand hurt?"

Quinn felt like at that point in time it was best to go back to not talking for a little bit, so she just shook her head. She didn't want pain killers, she needed the pain.

"Quinnie?"

Quinn whipped her head around to find her mother standing in the doorway with a tray.

"You need to eat sweetheart and take your medication"

Almost robotically Quinn did what she was told, too tired to fight them anymore that day. She was hoping that if she was good they would leave her alone.

Quinn spent the rest of the week doing homework that Judy had been getting from school and watching Disney movies with Brittany.

Quinn was working on AP Bio when Brittany came out of nowhere just about giving Quinn a heart attack.

"WERE MOVING!"

"Brittany, we told you we need to calmly discus this, not shout it."

Rob lightly scolded his eccentric daughter.

"Sorry Daddy"

Quinn just watched on confused as they sat down and Judy turned to her.

"Quinn, I know there are a lot of bad memories in this house so we were wondering if you would be open to moving, not leaving Lima or anything but just going somewhere with a fresh start. There is actually a nice house only a few blocks over that could be good for us. But only if you're ok with it and it's not too stressful."

Quinn thought for a moment not really sure what she wanted, she knew that Judy and Rob had been sleeping in the spare room because they didn't want to be in the same room she had shared with Russell. Also she wasn't planning on staying long so if they wanted a new house they could have it, Judy probably wouldn't want to have to walk past her old bedroom once she was gone. They had enough money and the Pierces had just sold their house.

"Sure"

The one word answer wasn't uncommon.

"Yay! Daddy can I decorate my own room PLEASE!"

"Of course hun"

Every since his wife died Rob had made sure Brittany got everything she wanted and needed, some people said he shouldn't spoil her but after what they went through he felt that she deserved it.

"I can't wait to tell San" Giving Quinn a hug she ran to go find her cell phone, hopefully Lord Tubington hadn't hidden it again.

Now that this conversation was over Quinn wanted some peace, turning around in her chair she went back to her homework. Realizing that they weren't going to be getting anymore out of Quinn that night Judy and Rob left with a sigh.

About twenty minutes later there was a knock on Quinn's door.

"Quinn dear you have a visitor"

Confused to who it could be Quinn turned around and her stomach clenched at the sight of Finn Hudson towering behind her mother.

After Judy walked away there was an awkward silence until Finn finally spoke.

"Mike told be you play video games that's awesome I wish I knew when we were dating we could have had some awesome marathons." Then he smiled at her.

Quinn was baffled and it must have clearly shown on her face.

Finn sighed.

"Look Quinn let's get this out of the way, can I sit?."

When Quinn nodded at him Finn lumbered over and dropped down on the edge of the bed.

"I ended things with her"

Quinn whipped her head away from the floor where she had been staring and looked at Finn in shock, fear and a little bit of anger.

"Now before you go all scary Quinn on me I would like for you to please hear me out."

Quinn was confused, who was this calm and collected guy.

"I love you Quinn, you were my first love and over the past few months you became a good friend. I am so sorry for all the shitty things I've done. I broke things off with her because it never would have lasted we both knew that, you guys are going to New York and tagging along without a clue as to what Im doing, is a bad idea. There would be no point in dragging it along and causing you pain from watching. I love Rachel so much that I know I have to let her go if I held her back she would end up hating me as much as I would end up hating myself. You were right she's going to be a star. You're probably wondering why im not running around kicking chairs and it's because of you. What you did was kind of like a wakeup call for me. I realized I have to stop being a teenager and learn to be a man. I have been taking some anger management classes and talking to someone to help me get over my issues. And I really hope we can be good friends. Rachel is confused and at a loss for what to do right now, she doesn't know if you want to see her or if she should stay away. And by the looks of it you don't know either but when you're ready, just let me know your decision and I can pass on the message. But for now would you like to hang out I brought a show?"

It took Quinn a minute to process everything he said.

Finn started to get anxious from her silence thinking that maybe he said too much too soon.

Suddenly there was a tiny body in his arms and he just held her trying to make her feel as safe as possible, until she pulled away.

"So, ready for some Zombies?" He asked.

After putting the first disk in Quinn climbed back on to her bed and snuggled up with Finn, there was nothing romantic about it even when he pressed a reassuring kiss to her head. It was just one friend looking after another.

They got through three episodes of "The Walking Dead" before Finn had to leave because there was school tomorrow.

"Do you know when you're coming back?" He asked

"I think maybe Im ready."

"Maybe I could pick you and Brittany up for school tomorrow?" Finn asked hesitantly.

"That would be great thank you"

"No problem, see ya Quinn"

And with a hug Finn left into the night leaving a baffled Quinn behind.

"_Damn it would be so much easier if he hated me I don't want to hurt him more when im gone."_

After Judy came up to watch and make sure Quinn took her pills Quinn tried to go to sleep but couldn't. She could feel it coming on, the energy inside of her, the need to have her release. Her addiction calling out to her, pleading in every way. It was driving her crazy her clock turned to 3 and Quinn knew that if she didn't do something she wouldn't be getting any sleep. Very quietly she got dressed and grabbed her purse, than in a very practiced movement she climbed out of her window and down the trove. It took her twenty minutes to walk to the 24 hour drug store and buy some razors. Once back at the house she hid a pack in the shed and a pack in the garden and then climbed back up to her bedroom with the other two. Not being able to balance with both in her hand she placed one on the top of the trove and swung inside. As she was about to reach out and grab it a voice made her freeze.

"I was scared you might be dead, I was sitting here convincing myself that you wouldn't do it without at least leaving a note but I wasn't sure."

"I just went for a walk B" Quinn told her hiding the box behind her back.

"Please just give them to me Quinn, please."

"I need them B, you don't understand."

"Your right I don't understand because you won't talk to me so that I can."

The blinding light of her bedroom suddenly broke through the darkness.

"What's going on guys it's 4 in the morning, what's behind your back Quinn?"

"Just pass them to me Q and I'll give them to dad and we won't tell mom ok?"

Quinn did as she was told, feeling guilty at the look of disappointment on Robs face when Brittany gave him the box. But then Brittany was back in front of her holding out her hand again.

"Im sorry Q but I know you, you bought more than one."

Sighing but glad she had hidden two outside Quinn reached out the window and grabbed the box giving it to Brittany.

"Goodnight girls"

Rob kissed both of their heads before leaving.

"Come on Q were gunna have a sleepover."

Climbing into bed with Brittany holding her and keeping her calm Quinn stared at the clock until it was time to get up.

Quinn was glad that it was winter when she got dressed the next morning; she put on a long sleeve shirt, jeans, a cardigan and her jacket wanting to make sure no one saw the scar on her arm.

"Quinn, Finn is here we got to go!"

"Coming Britt!"

With one last look in the mirror Quinn composed herself and set off to get through the day.

Judy must have talked to Brittany and Finn because they did not leave her side all day. One of them was always their walking her to class Brittany even came into the bathroom with her. She avoided all the rest of the glee club members and at lunch sat with Finn in the corner of the caf. She knew through Brittany though that the rest of the club was confused about the friendship but staying away per her request.

Then the end of the day glee club came around.

"Im not going, I'll walk home or stay in the library but Im not going in there."

"You have to Quinn, were not leaving you alone, I know you hate it and feel trapped but especially after last night Im not letting this go"

"I'll stay with her"

Shelby's voice startled the three arguing teens.

"If that's ok with Quinn we can sit in my class until glee is over, and you can see Beth."

Silence

"That's great come on Finn!" Finn suddenly found himself being dragged towards the choir room by a surprisingly strong Brittany, watching Quinn's scared face.

"Don't let her out of your sight!" Brittany yelled as they disappeared around the corner.

"Come on Quinn"

As they walked towards Shelby's room Quinn finally broke the silence.

"Why would you let me see her? After everything I did?"

Signing Shelby turned around just outside the door to face the troubled teenager.

"Quinn you need to remember that I gave up my baby to, I understand. I wish you had told me or someone what was happening we could have gotten you help before you did what you tried to do. You have depression Quinn and so many terrible things have happened to you so young that I can't believe I didn't see what you're going through. You're so young and you have so much ahead of you. I think being a part of Beth's life will help you so much and Im sorry I stopped you from seeing her."

Entering the room they were met with Sugar Motta singing for an irritated Beth.

"Thank you for looking after her Sugar, you can go now"

"It was no problem Ms. C she loves my voice."

Walking over to the play pen Beth smiled when she saw Quinn, looking towards Shelby for permission and receiving a nod Quinn picked up her daughter. Shelby marked papers while Quinn played and sang to Beth. She felt like she was leaving a piece of herself behind when Finn and Brittany came to take her home.

"Why don't you come by and sit with Beth during glee until you're ready to go back Shelby suggested "I think she would love it and it would give me time to catch up with my marking."

**At home**

Quinn and Brittany were doing homework when the former started talking.

"How come Santana never comes to visit you here? You're always at her house"

"You scared her Q, she loves you but what you said, what you asked her to do. It really messed her up and she was already messed up after finding you. I don't want you to feel any worse Quinn but she has nightmares. Her finding you on the floor surrounded by your own blood, that's something that will haunt her forever."

Quinn didn't say anything just looked out of the window in silence full of guilt.

2:30 in the morning found Quinn sitting on the bathroom floor clutching a razor. Earlier before Rob got home and her mom and Britt were distracted in the kitchen she had snuck out and gotten the pack from the shed. She felt excited; she had missed the high and release from this so badly and now after so long she could make some new marks. She had not been lying when she told Santana that it was the only thing that made her happy, it's just later when the guilt and self hatred for not being normal seeps back in that she regrets it. But still she always goes back to it.

Pressing the blade down hard she slowly swiped it across her hip reuniting with her old friend, her only true friend. Pain. The next one was a fast swipe she found that if she pushed hard and then whipped her hand away, it went deeper and they were longer. She kept going and going until her newly healed hip was a mixture of gashes and blood, she cut so many times she lost count. When she was done she laid back and admiring her work and relishing in the pure bliss of the moment. After a little while she washed herself off and bandaged the area. After putting on her PJ bottoms and crawling into bed she fell asleep to a familiar and comforting sting.

**GAH! It's been so long! **

**I swear I have a good reason though!**

**I hope you guys enjoy the new update.**

**Please REVIEW!**

**Secretly:**

**The Confused Ninja Elf.**


	8. The Head Cheerleader

_And I really hope we can be good friends. _

Quinn enjoyed having lunch with Finn because he never brought up subjects that made her uncomfortable. They just talked about simple things, he was a good distraction and very protective over her. It was a friendship that Quinn had never seen coming. She was listening to Finn talk about their show when suddenly a crash was heard. Looking over they found that Rachel who had been trying to quietly leave the cafeteria after seeing Quinn had run into a cheerleader by accident.

"Watch where you're going manhands you're not dating the quarterback anymore we've seen how down you guys have been you're all just easy targets, the glee club is going to…"

Suddenly there was a furious head cheerleader in the girls face talking loudly.

"If ANYONE so much as looks at Rachel Berry wrong or anyone else in glee they will be black listed and subjected to a Sue Sylvester form of torture is that clear?" She didn't even let the girl answer, no one had ever seen Santana this mad before. "You will be running laps for the next two weeks worth of practice and doing all the clean up, now get out of my face."

The cheerio took off as fast as she could and the whole school watched in stunned silence as the seething Latina helped Rachel up and gathered up her stuff for her before guiding her into Brittany's arms so she could help her clean up the food that had spilled on her. The rest of the glee girls followed loyally and the guys took Rachel's stuff from Santana to take to the choir room. The glee club were united and as they left Santana walked over and handed Quinn something before leaving, causing the students to realize that Quinn and Finn were not with their fellow members.

Later that day Finn was walking Quinn to class when suddenly they were hit with cold ice.

Quinn was too stunned to react in time and Finn was already advancing towards the guy ready to beat him to a pulp for hurting Quinn.

"No Finn remember your skills" Quinn was finally able to say, and with great difficulty Finn stopped and took a deep breath before literally gathering up Quinn in his arms fireman style and walking away stunning everyone.

That afternoon coach Beiste doubled practice and ran her players into the ground and at the end the practice players were starting to leave when they heard their livid coach calmly say, "Next time you listen to what the head cheerleader says or this will seem like cake to what I'll put you through. Got it?"

The cheerios were not getting any better, they had never seen Sue this livid before, and at the end of practice she told them in a scary voice similar words as the football coach.

The next day every student parted like the red sea whenever a glee kid came downs the halls and some even fell trying to keep their space from the students that had been labelled off limits especially Finn and Quinn.

The next two weeks went like this, Finn and Brittany never left her side, she spent glee time with Beth and Rachel was still avoiding her.

That evening Finn dropped Quinn at home and then headed to town to take Brittany to dance class when Quinn got up to her room and opened the door she was shocked to find Santana already there.

Santana looked up from the book in her hands and looked at Quinn, angrily,

"What the hell is this Q?!"

That's when Quinn realized it was the new diary she had bought and hidden from her mom,

"You can't just go through my things Santana."

"No Quinn you don't get to turn this on me, you're not even trying to get better I seen what you wrote you're just waiting and then you're going to do it again! Do you not care about us at all do you think your mom can go through this again!"

"You don't get it Santana I tried I tried for years and I'm tired I'm just so tired yes I'm sorry for what I said to you in the hospital and even though you won't tell me that your mad about it I know you are and I'm sorry about what I said on the recorder."

"Are you also sorry that you almost outed me to my parents?" Santana's voice was low.

"What?!"

"What if they had found out about what you said on there, my papi is a doctor what if he had been there then I would have a friend in a coma and no place to live. When they found out why you did it they almost didn't let me stay at the hospital with you."

Taking a deep breath Santana just watched Quinn's pained and regretful face, "I I'm so sorry Santana I – I wasn't thinking clearly I"

"We need to put everything behind us Q we need each other and I don't want this stuff in between us."

"You forgive me that easily?"

"It wasn't easy Q but were not kids any more we all have to grow up fast, what happened changed a lot of us, look at Finn." Santana took a deep breath. "I'm not going to ask for your razors because I know you will just get new ones or use something else but I have to tell someone your plans. I'm sorry Q but I'm not letting you die any sooner than the day that you, me, Britt and Berry are old and bickering over who gets the solo in our retirement home glee club."

"It's hard Santana"

"I know but I'm going to be selfish and ask you to try anyway, to try for me for Britt for your mom and for Beth and even for Rachel." Quinn let out a sharp breath at the name.

"She won't talk to me" Quinn's voice was weak and scared.

"She doesn't know what to do Quinn but I think you should try to talk to her, it will help you too. If she tells you she can never return your feelings than at least you can start to move on."

…

When the door bell rang at 11:30 Leroy Berry was confused as to who would be at their house so late. When he opened the door he was at first shocked to see a timid looking Quinn Fabray staring at her feet. Behind her sitting against his car in the drive way was a tired looking Brittany who was acting like a security guard. Then he remembered Rachel telling him how Quinn wasn't allowed to be alone and someone, usually Brittany was always watching her like a hawk.

"She's upstairs you can go ahead."

Quinn just nodded and hesitantly walked inside. Leroy grabbed her in his arms, "We love you Quinn never forget that." Then he let her go up the stairs with tears in her eyes.

"Brittany why don't you stand guard inside I'll make you some hot chocolate."

…

Quinn stood in front of the door with a gold star on it for almost five minutes before she finally was able to lightly knock.

Opening the door Rachel froze once she saw who it was, "Hey Rach."

After Quinn's whispered greeting the girls stood their staring for a while before, finally, Rachel walked backwards and sat on her bed gesturing for Quinn to come in. Quinn sat at Rachel's desk and they just watched each other again.

"I um I wanted to let you know that I- I'm sorry and I'm going to look for a new apartment so you don't have to worry about telling me that I can't live with you in new York any more I might go with San and Britt or or even stay here um, I'm sorry about what happened with Finn and and everything else I um sorry." Quinn lied about the future so that Rachel wouldn't worry about her plans and then made to get up and leave when a voice stopped her.

"Quinn Fabray, I don't want to ever hear to apologize for your feelings ever again. You have nothing to be sorry for, you are my best friend and that has not and will never change. We went online apartment shopping together and picked our top five together. I should have been there at the hospital when you woke up and _I _am so sorry for that. I was in shock. Me and Finn were never going to last and think about it we were terrible for each other. That was not your fault. When we thought we were going to lose you it was one of the scariest and worst moments of my life. second was probably when I saw you in the kitchen after your burned your hand."

Saying this Rachel slowly walked over and grabbed the bandaged hand, holding it gently, causing Quinn to hold her breath. I am so sorry that I never saw how much pain you are in. Please let me be there for you, we can get through this."

"Can we? Rachel you have no idea how much I want to hear you say these things but what happens when you want to bring a boyfriend home what am I supposed to do about that?"

"Quinn I've been trying to decide on how to tell you this I don't want to get your hopes up or lead you on. I wish you had told me about your orientation because than I would tell you mine. Which is the same as Brittany's."

"Wait what? But you never said, and you never"

"I've been the annoying girl with two Dads I never dated any girls because I didn't want to give my bully's any more ammunition against me" Quinn was stunned, what exactly was Rachel saying,

"I don't want to lose our friendship and I think we need to spend time finding ourselves, while I was with Finn I lost myself and I didn't even realize that my best friend was in pain. I need to be single but what I'm saying Quinn is that you are so beautiful but you're much more than that and maybe when we get to new York and we are more mature I would love to give us a try but I'm also scared cause I never want to lose you."

After a beat Rachel was concerned that Quinn would never talk again, "Just think about it Quinn and maybe tomorrow I can join you for lunch?" Rachel took the jerky motion Quinn's head made for a nod, "It's almost one in the morning Quinn, you can stay here if you want but do your parents know where you are? I don't want Judy to worry."

Quinn couldn't understand how Rachel was being so calm and collected. Quinn's life was in turmoil and there was Rachel telling Quinn exactly what she wanted to hear. But the only thing was that Quinn didn't deserve it she knew she didn't deserve Rachel.

"B is waiting for me downstairs" she said quietly.

"Ok", when Quinn didn't move Rachel left and came back a moment later with Brittany whom she had found napping on the couch.

"I think she is in shock."

"Did you tell her what we talked about?"

"Yeah"

"OK," There was some rustling and then Brittany was beside her. "Come on Q, let's go home."

With Brittany's support Quinn stood up and suddenly her favourite person in the world was holding her. Returning the hug Quinn tried not to cry.

"Please don't ever scare me like that again Quinn, promise me please?"

Quinn looked into Rachel's eyes, "I promise."

She lied.

That night Rachel finally slept now that she had finally talked to and told Quinn but two blocks over Quinn stayed awake all night trying to process what had just happened, it was amazing what Rachel had said but it still needed to be taken into account how Quinn was raised and the fear of God that she still had.

_But I'm still not okay with it myself._


	9. Fathers Rule

_But Im still not okay with it myself._

She wasn't and she was sure she would never be. It took a while to figure out how to pull it off but she was able to trick Finn and Brittany into each thinking that she was with the other. They were due to move in the next week and had already sold the house, but Quinn didn't want to taint the new one, she would be left behind with the house that held so many terrors as a child. Grabbing the rope she had gotten from the shed and her razor and paper she went in the bathroom and placed the small note on the counter. Then she slid open the glass door and stood up on the toilet to lean over and tie the rope. Ridding herself of all her clothing but her bra and underwear she stepped inside and sitting on the edge she turned on the water as hot as it would go. Then taking her razor she started tracing the veins on her arms blood started pouring from the waving cuts of her arm. Her veins were easily visible due to her pale skin, and made beautiful patterns of blood all over her arm. Once she couldn't even find any more places to cut from all the blood she stood on shacking legs. She didn't cry as she put her head through the hole, she was resigned to her fate. Letting her body slide down the shower the noose tightened around her neck cutting off her air supply. This time she didn't even have the luxury of passing out before the door was broken open and Finn was barreling in followed by Santana, Brittany and _Rachel_? Finn held her up while Santana undid the noose, and then he was carrying Quinn down to his truck and they sped towards the hospital. Rachel wrapped a blanket around a wet bleeding Quinn who ignored everyone. She was sick of being stopped; next time there would be no way for them to save her.

When Quinn woke up the next day she was back in her old room in the mental illness ward. She knew the drill well, her family would come visit her during visiting hours but until then she had to wait around for her appointment with the therapist and eat something. Wanting to stay isolated in the room with her thoughts for as long as possible Quinn became extremely annoyed when a nurse told her she needed to come out for lunch. Walking over to the container with all the trays and finding her name she turned to sit. What she saw shocked her. Sitting by himself at a table near the window with a black and blue throat was David Korofskey. Making her way towards him she sat opposite of him, when he didn't look up she started talking

"It's fitting and kind of funny you know, McKinley high's most feared bullies ending up in a mental ward because they were to scared of the feeling's they had for some glee singing underdogs."

David's shocked expression would have been comical if the situation were different.

"Quinn?!" After about 5 minutes of sitting there in shock he finally continued. "You , I mean you tried to?"

"Second attempt, here's to hoping that the third time's the charm." She said to him while mock toasting her drink.

"Second!?" He looked down at Quinn's severally bandaged arms and then to a bruise matching his on her neck.

"Eat your lunch Dave, before they come over here, they don't like it when you don't eat and then your therapist will tell your parent's. It get's annoying."

They finished their meal in silence, and then just sat there, Quinn watched out the window and David watched Quinn.

"Is it Rachel?"

"Yeah"

Quinn and Dave were laughing when Brittany, Rob, Judy and Santana came in for visiting hours.

"What's funny Q swapping suicide stories." Santana's furious voice startled the two teens.

"San I"

"No, Quinn, I have had to find you covered in blood and almost dead TWICE! And now and you're here laughing with, _Karofsky_?"

Ignoring Santana's confusion at realizing who the other patient was Quinn spoke.

"I never asked you to save me Santana." Her voice suddenly laced with venom. She was so sick and tired of other people deciding if she could die or not.

Before Santana could respond the nurse spoke up.

"Im going to have to ask that you change your attitude or leave, Quinn need support and relaxation right now."

"Fine"

Quinn thought Santana would leave but instead she turned to Dave.

"You to eh, am I the only person in this stupid town that can handle being gay?"

Both Quinn and Dave flinched at the word.

"im not" They both started and then stopped.

Who were they kidding they and everyone else knew, it was just so weird it had been a dark secret for so long.

"Quinn honey can I talk to you."

Quinn really did not want to but she got up and followed her mother to an empty couch.

"Quinn I don't understand, you know we are all supportive."

"But im not mom, Its not just being… you know I." She stopped herself, if she ever wanted to get out of there and finish this once and for all she would have to make them think she was better.

"Im sorry"

"Please promise me you won't do this ever again and that you will talk to me or someone when you feel bad."

Quinn really hated having to keep breaking this promise.

Luckily before she could respond everyone else walked over.

That night after all visitors had left Dave sat down beside Quinn and grabbed her hand. They didn't talk and Quinn had no idea that the scared jock sitting beside her would one day become one of the most important people in her life.

**Okay so not my best work AT ALL but I wanted to give you guys SOMETHING!**

**It's not going to be an easy road for Quinn but she will get better. **

**Sorry for the shortness and kind of crappyness that is this chapter. It's also not betaed.**

**Also PLEASE REVIEW your guys input and ideas are so important to me!**

**Secretly:**

**The Confused Ninja Elf.**


	10. Am I wrong

Quinn was in the hospital for two weeks acting like she had seen the light before they finally let her leave. Mike and Finn where bringing her home and she was silent the entire way.

Quinn was confused when they pulled up on front of a house she had never seen before and then remembered that Judy and Rob had finished moving while she was away. It was a nice house, even the outside looked a lot more homey than the cold structure they had lived in with Russell, looking around the outside Quinn saw a pool in the back and suddenly she realized this place looked really familiar, and then it dawned on her, the house was only two houses down from the Berrys.

The day was full of friends welcoming her home and more promises she couldn't keep. But it seemed like everyone was almost starting to believe that she wanted to live. Well everyone except Santana who watched her with sad and concerned eyes.

It was 11 and everyone had finally left, Brittany was spending the night at Santana's and rob and Judy were asleep. Quinn made her way downstairs and out the back door on to the patio that looked across the back yard. Leaning against the railing she listened to the sounds of the night. Suddenly she heard a noise that made her freeze, the house directly in front of her had a tree house right by the back gate and someone had dropped a rope ladder across the back, carefully Quinn walked towards the back hate and looked up. Before she could help it a small smile crept onto her face when she saw who was waiting for her. She went up.

" Nice place"

" Thanks, It's nice to have a quiet place to think, iv been hanging out here ever since I got home, I was really surprised to see people were finally moving into that house, it's been on the market for a long time."

"Yeah I guess my mom and Rob wanted to move as quickly as possible and money really isn't an issue when you where once married to Russell Fabray."

"Well, Im glad it's you."

" Yeah Thanks Dave."

The two teens sat in a comfortable silence for most of the night until Quinn saw her bedroom light flick on and heard her mother's panicked voice.

With a sigh Quinn stood.

"Tomorrow?"

"I'll be here"

"Ill leave the back latter down so you just have to pull it to your side in order to get up. "

Slipping back into the kitchen just as her mother came down Quinn was able to convince them she was just getting a glass of water.

Quinn went back up to her room and saw that the clock read four in the morning. Her mother checked on her three times before six and probably a lot more but Quinn finally fell asleep.

A knock on her door at 10 woke Quinn up with a groan.

"Go away"

"Quinn?"

The tired blonde stood up with lightning speed and then was suddenly on the floor.

"Quinn! Are you ok?!"

"Yeah I'm fine, just a head rush from getting up to fast"

Quinn sat back down on her bed and gestured for her visitor to make herself at home. The blonde almost stopped breathing when Rachel sat down right beside her.

"Your mom invited us over for lunch, I didn't know that you didn't know or I would have asked you first. I can go if-"

"No! I mean " Quinn sighed " I don't want you to go, I iv missed you"

She spoke so quietly Rachel almost didn't hear her.

" Iv missed you too, seeing you in that shower... "

" Don't. Please I I can't talk about it, it's still to fresh." Then Quinn said so quietly Rachel almost missed it. "It's still so tempting."

"Quinn you promised me-"

"I lied Rachel! Ok! I lied! Why does everyone think it's their decision if I live or die! How is that fair?!"

" Because Quinn we are selfish and it's not fair to us either, it's like you're not even trying, don't you want to get better?!"

The two girl were screaming at each other as tears ran down their faces.

" Why do you even care Rachel?!"

" Because you are my best friend and I'm sorry it's not the way you need it to be but I do love and care about you! - And stop looking at me that way!"

Rachel tried to calm down as Quinn spoke in a confused quieter voice.

"What way?"

" Like. Llike you would jump in front of a bus for me, like I'm this, this amazing person like, like you love me!"

" I'm sorry but I can't do that, you are amazing and I do love you."

Suddenly Rachel's found herself pulled forwards and Quinn was kissing her. A desperate kiss that said more than their entire fight had. But Rachel new she needed to stop it or it would just hurt Quinn more.

Pulling away Quinn put her hand across her face shocked with herself.

"Quinn I I told you I need time"

"No, I know I'm so sorry. I just hate that you don't see yourself the way I do and I guess I just wanted to do that once before I d-" Quinn suddenly stopped talking.

"Before you what Quinn? " Rachel asked terrified.

Before Rachel could push the issue the door opened and Brittany and Santana walked in.

" Ok the entire house can hear you two shouting, Rachel I think you should go downstairs and let Quinn get dressed.

"Santana"

"No Quinn just this once please listen to me."

Brittany stepped forward and led a silently crying Rachel to her bedroom to calm her down and Santana pushed Quinn towards the bathroom.

" I'm sorry I don't mean to be so harsh"

"I know"

With a quick kiss to the top of Quinn's head Santana close the bathroom door and then went to get the first aid kit and wait on Quinn's bed.

Looking at herself I the mirror Quinn just wanted to not think about the argument she just had, wanted to stop feeling it. There was only one way she knew how to do that. Quinn had laughed when she realized that her mother had unknowingly packed up Quinn's new razors and brought them to the new house. She was getting really good at hiding them. Grabbing one from under the kitchen sink, Quinn showered and cut trying to only concentrate on the pain on her leg and not the pain in her heart.

Opening the bathroom door Quinn was startled to see Santana waiting for her.

"Don't worry Q, why don't you put some under wear on and then ill patch you up and we can head downstairs.

Doing so quietly, Quinn sat down beside Santana.

"You knew what I was going to do"

"Yeah"

"Are you mad?"

"No Q I'm not mad, I'm just scared"

"Santana Lopez scared I didn't think I'd ever hear you admit that."

Quinn joked trying not to focus on how serious this was.

"Yeah well you tell anyone and ill deny it." Santana hated to do it but she new Quinn just needed something normal in her life right now, and if Santana's quirky attitude was it, than she would do it. Even if she felt like crying instead.

Santana continued to clean up the cuts and disinfect them before bandaging them. Quinn just stared at her quietly and whispered a thank you.

"Amy time Q, and I mean that, you can always come to me and I'll help you out whatever you need, no judgment."

The rest of the work was done in silence and just as Santana was on the last few cuts the door flew open and whatever Rachel was going to stay stuck in her throat as she took in the blood and bandages in front of her.

"Oh God, I'm sorry I"

"B, get her out of here!"

Once the door closed Santana looked over at Quinn and sighed, her best friend was still and all the blood had left her face.

"Q"

"I just want to get this stupid lunch over with San."

"Ok"

To say lunch was awkward would be an understatement, Rachel and Quinn didn't say a word and Santana only answered Brittany's questions. The girls were all relieved when it was over, for a moment at least.

"Should we go sit outside on the patio and have some lemonade, it's such a beautiful day."

Quinn kind of wanted to slap her mother; she could obviously see that no one wanted this to continue.

When everyone went to the front door to grab their shoes Quinn saw it as the perfect opportunity. Running to the back yard she reached for the latter where it was hidden behind a tree and climbed up bringing it behind her.

Dave was already there.

"Rough morning?"

"You could say that. Dave please please come over and save me or I will go insane."

"I don't know Quinn-"

"Please, they are going to notice I'm gone soon."

As if on cue Quinn heard her name being called.

"Please!"

"Fine, but you owe me."

"Done! See you in a bit"

Quinn was able to get into the yard without her family seeing her and when the doorbell rang five uncomfortable and quiet minutes later she ran to go get it.

Her and Dave spent the rest o the afternoon in the corner talking and Quinn was relieved when the Berry's finally left. The rest of the day dragged on and Quinn spent the time coming up with a plan,

"We could do it together you know, and then maybe we would have a better chance of getting it right."

"What?" It was around midnight two days later and Quinn and Dave were sitting in the tree house when Quinn spoke.

"End it, we obviously can't get it right by ourselves so why don't we just help each other out, it could work."

"Quinn, I don't know if I can do that to my family again, everything really suck right now but I have them to think about."

"I understand, I really do, but you know that I have made my decision and you understand that right."

"Quinn, yeah I get it but-"

"Dave, nothing has changed and I know you are the only one who actually understands what I am going through, this isn't just about Rachel, I don't want to live my whole life being treated differently and feeling this way."

"Yeah, I don't either."

"So we are in agreement?"

"Give me a few days to think about it"

"Ok. But don't take too long, I'm thinking Friday."

"Friday, four days."

Two days later Dave had an idea, it was crazy but it also gave him some sort of mad, farfetched hope. He would talk to Quinn that night, but he doubted she would go for it.

Quinn could tell Dave wanted to say something, he was fidgety and kept looking at her, she wanted to ask him what was wrong or if he had made a decision when he suddenly spoke.

"Do you ever think or hope that maybe we are wrong. I know you did that whole thing with Puck but I've never been with a girl maybe I'm wrong, maybe we both are."

Quinn almost snorted.

"I wish Dave but I don't think I'm wrong even though I really really wish I was."

When Dave didn't press the matter Quinn decided to ask again.

"So have you thought about-"

"I need more time to think, I know you want to do it Friday but I just need a few more days to think."

"Okay"

Thursday was filled with Rachel.

Rachel texting her.

Rachel phoning her.

Rachel ringing her front door.

Quinn needed to get Rachel out of her head and away from her because as much as ignoring her hurt, being round her hurt even more and she just wasn't ready to face her again. Rachel probably wanted to talk about the cutting and Quinn was ready to avoid that at all costs.

She needed a distraction.

On Friday Judy, Rob, Brittany and Santana went out for dinner to celebrate Robs new promotion. Quinn had refused to attend, and once they left she phoned Dave.

"Let's do it"

"Do what?"

"See if we are wrong. It's worth a try."

"…when?"

"Now."

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

Quinn and Dave were standing awkwardly in Quinns room and Dave was holding a condom."

"Yeah, I think if we don't we might always think what if. I know we don't know each other to well, but, I trust you Dave."

"Okay."

Santana had a bad feeling, the last two times she felt like this, Quinn almost died, so she told Rob and they bagged up the food and headed home.

Santana prepared herself to find Quinn cutting or crying, she was not prepared to open Quinn's door and find Quinn and karofsky naked on Quinn's bed avoiding eye contact and about to have the most awkward sex ever. The scream if horror that left her throat was probably heard throughout the entire neighborhood.

Spanish searing spewed from her mouth as she turned around to stop Judy and Rob from barging in the room.

Whats wrong?!"

Judy tried to push Santana out of her way but the Latina stopped her.

"Judy listen to me, Quinn is not physically hurt, but you cannot go in their right now, I _need _you to trust me on this."

Two minutes later after Judy and Rob were safely downstairs; Santana peeked into Quinn's room.

Both of the teens were dressed and Dave was trying to find a way out of Quinn's window.

"What the Fuck!"

As soon as Santana interrupted what they were about to do and the door slammed closed, Quinn and Dave sighed in relief and they sprang away from each other as fast as possible. And started throwing there cloths on.

"Gay?"

"Definitely gay"

"Scarred for life?"

"For life"

"Can I escape through your window?"

"Please."

Opening the window to her new bedroom Quinn tried to figure out how Dave could leave without falling and breaking his neck.

"What the Fuck!"

To late.

**Urg, I could not get this chapter to flow at all! im sorry!**

**The reason I had such a long hiatusis because, good news and bad news for you for me I was on pills and feeling better and was controlling my depression, so not in the mood to be writing this angst. Bad news for me and good news for you guys, I went off my pills a few months ago, feel terrible and started cutting again after being clean for 11 months. so I was in the mood to write. not very good writing though, im sorry, im just not doing well right now.**

**Please help me by giving me feedback about the ****characters, i kind of know where im going with the next chapter but I have a block of time that need filling and then the rest of it will be way smoother.**

**Secretly, **

**The confused Ninja Elf.**


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